0822 Brevity: Valuing Each Word－Answer and Explanation 簡潔準則：惜字如金 正確解答
Answer: We believe the best revision is… “The prisoners in the most distant camps were mistreated by their guards and many of them starved to death.”
This sentence reduces the word count to 19 from 22 by substituting three words, “starved to death,” for six words, “expired from lack of physical sustenance.” There probably is little argument that the new rendering of the sentence is superior. Why, then, do writers often go the wordier route to make a point about death? They do so either to express the special significance of a particular death event—after all, death always is significant—or to express the thought in a way they believe is more memorable.
將原本 “expired from lack of physical sustenance”（ 因缺乏身體營養斷氣）換為 “starved to death”（餓死）後，句子字數由 22 個字縮短為 19 個字，新的句子無疑優於原句。說起來，為什麼許多作者提及死亡時多半文句冗長？因為他們想表達死亡這件事很重要，死亡意義更是重大，或者想用更令人難忘的方式表達。
Sometimes they succeed in this. Not this time. To say the prisoners “expired from lack of physical sustenance” is not pleasing or moving to read; “expired” and “physical sustenance” are stilted and colorless euphemisms. Writers also sometimes ignore simpler sentence construction or more direct language for another reason: They want to avoid repetitive use of words or phrases. While that is not a bad motive for a thoughtful writer, if the result is bloated or vapid expression, it is a bad choice.
有時這些表達確實令人印象深刻，但此句不然，描寫犯人 “expired from lack of physical sustenance”（因缺乏身體營養斷氣），讀來既不討喜也不感人，“expired”（斷氣）和 “physical sustenance”（身體營養）都是委婉語，聽來做作又無趣。此外，有時句構複雜、用字拐彎抹角，是為了避免用字重複。這麼想確實思慮周延，用意良好，但若造成字數浮濫、了無生氣，就不是理想作法。
Please note: To write “many of them starved,” rather than “many of them starved to death” does not work. The last two words are not redundant. Neglected and persecuted captives can be starved for years and yet emerge alive at the end of their captivity. Hunger is not a killer until a level of undernourishment actually shuts down body systems. In the same sense, writers should strive to write shortly and directly, but not so severely that pertinent information is sacrificed.
注意不要將 “starved to death”（ 餓死） 改為 “starved”（ 挨餓），“to death” 兩字是必要的。囚犯若受到忽視、迫害，可能挨餓多年，但刑期結束時仍能生還。飢餓不會致人於死，除非過度營養不良導致身體器官無法運作。寫作時要盡可能簡短直接，但不能因過於簡短而犧牲相關訊息。
This sentence reduces the word count to 19 from 22 by substituting three words, “starved to death,” for six words, “expired from lack of physical sustenance.” There probably is little argument that the new rendering of the sentence is superior. Why, then, do writers often go the wordier route to make a point about death? They do so either to express the special significance of a particular death event—after all, death always is significant—or to express the thought in a way they believe is more memorable.
將原本 “expired from lack of physical sustenance”（ 因缺乏身體營養斷氣）換為 “starved to death”（餓死）後，句子字數由 22 個字縮短為 19 個字，新的句子無疑優於原句。說起來，為什麼許多作者提及死亡時多半文句冗長？因為他們想表達死亡這件事很重要，死亡意義更是重大，或者想用更令人難忘的方式表達。
Sometimes they succeed in this. Not this time. To say the prisoners “expired from lack of physical sustenance” is not pleasing or moving to read; “expired” and “physical sustenance” are stilted and colorless euphemisms. Writers also sometimes ignore simpler sentence construction or more direct language for another reason: They want to avoid repetitive use of words or phrases. While that is not a bad motive for a thoughtful writer, if the result is bloated or vapid expression, it is a bad choice.
有時這些表達確實令人印象深刻，但此句不然，描寫犯人 “expired from lack of physical sustenance”（因缺乏身體營養斷氣），讀來既不討喜也不感人，“expired”（斷氣）和 “physical sustenance”（身體營養）都是委婉語，聽來做作又無趣。此外，有時句構複雜、用字拐彎抹角，是為了避免用字重複。這麼想確實思慮周延，用意良好，但若造成字數浮濫、了無生氣，就不是理想作法。
Please note: To write “many of them starved,” rather than “many of them starved to death” does not work. The last two words are not redundant. Neglected and persecuted captives can be starved for years and yet emerge alive at the end of their captivity. Hunger is not a killer until a level of undernourishment actually shuts down body systems. In the same sense, writers should strive to write shortly and directly, but not so severely that pertinent information is sacrificed.
注意不要將 “starved to death”（ 餓死） 改為 “starved”（ 挨餓），“to death” 兩字是必要的。囚犯若受到忽視、迫害，可能挨餓多年，但刑期結束時仍能生還。飢餓不會致人於死，除非過度營養不良導致身體器官無法運作。寫作時要盡可能簡短直接，但不能因過於簡短而犧牲相關訊息。
Posted at 2011-08-23 11:34:51
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