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非英文母語者常見寫作錯誤之五：缺乏邏輯架構 (Unclear Logic & Structure)
【學術專欄】
身為專業譯者與編輯，多年來為許多英語非母語人士修改與潤飾文章，發覺華人從事英文寫作時常犯的錯誤，在於落入中文的語法陷阱中、或是無意識受到中文影響而使用不該用的措辭，造成詞不達意而無法精確地用英文的句構邏輯連結起來，但也可能僅是對於英文句法結構的不熟悉所致。此次推出的新專欄希望能帶領讀者發現常見的英文寫作陷阱，並避免將這些謬誤帶入文章當中。新專欄並非在教導文法規則，而是提出一些觀點，提點寫作者如何提升英文寫作風格與文字說服力。
As an editor and translator with years of experience in correcting English written by non-native speakers, I have come across certain areas that seem to be major pitfalls for Chinese speakers when writing in English. These mistakes are usually the writer’s Chinese grammar or diction unconsciously coming out in their English exposition, or perhaps simply a unfamiliarity with English composition at its higher levels. This monthly column can teach you to spot these common writing pitfalls and thus avoid having them find their way into your English composition. It will not be a list of grammar rules to follow, but instead a look into how we can improve the style and force of our English writing.
Today’s post is about how non-native English speakers can learn to write in a way that ensures their sentences—and therefore their ideas—flow from one to the next. For ESL writers this means paying attention to the logical progression of their ideas, being clear with the topic of each paragraph, and pruning away unnecessary and confusing information to leave behind a clear, logical sequence of ideas for the reader to enjoy. To get a better understanding what we are talking about, let’s take a look at this example written in Chinese:
本次主題是關於英語非母語人士學習如何寫出能流暢地表達想法的句子，以支撐文章的前後脈絡。這意味著作者的思考邏輯必須明確，對於每個段落的主題都能十足掌握，並適度刪除不必要與令人困惑的資訊，如此一來讀者才能盡情享受閱讀。為了讓各位更加明白本次主題，我們先來檢視以下由華人寫出的例句：
在紅霞颱風過後，台灣全省各地有許多社區公園，不僅落葉滿地，樹木倒塌的情況也相當嚴重，像台南市東區旁的巴克禮公園，風災過後樹木斷裂嚴重，當地志工主動聯絡里長，志工們不論男女老少共動員了超過60人，群起響應清掃家園行動，志工的熱心幫忙也得到里長贈與感謝狀表達謝忱。
Now first let’s be clear: The paragraph works in the language in which it was written by communicating its ideas in a clear, readable fashion; however, if we were to translate the report into English and break it down into its composite parts in the order that they were written, we would get something like this:
首先讓我們聲明一點，上述文章段落在中文的呈現上是清楚且易讀的。然而，如果我們將其翻譯成英文並拆解順序，則很有可能寫出下列句子：
1) Typhoon brings damage to many parks in Taiwan
颱風重創台灣許多公園
2) Typhoon brings damage to Barclay Memorial Park in Tainan
颱風重創台南的巴克禮公園
3) Volunteers contact the local borough head
志工聯絡里長
4) Volunteers clean up park
志工清掃公園
5) Volunteers awarded certificate of appreciation
志工得到感謝狀
Looking at these five parts, one can point out some potential problems such as: repetition of similar ideas/events (1&2), or the inclusion of ideas/events tangent to main topic (1&3). Finally, we discover that the topic of paragraph, its raison d’être, is not clear. Where does the main emphasis of the paragraph lie? Is it damage to parks in Taiwan? Damage to the park in Tainan? The volunteers’ cooperation with the borough?
看看這五個句子，可以指出一些潛在問題，如：重複的概念與事件 (第一與第二句)；或是概念與事件偏離主題太遠 (第一與第三句)；最後，我們還發現段落主題不夠明確。該段所強調的重點為何？是颱風重創台灣許多公園？還是颱風重創台南的巴克禮公園？抑或是志工與當地政府的合作？
Of course, one could argue that since we have only extrapolated the bare-bones meaning of each section of the paragraph, repetition and vagueness are bound to be the result and such problems would invariably be corrected in a more accurate and flowing translation. However, as we see below in this translation by a non-native speaker, this is not the case:
當然，有些人會質疑我們只推斷幾個段落，如此重複又含義不清的翻譯勢必需要更為精準與流暢的修正。然而，讓我們再看看以下由英語非母語人士翻譯出來的句子，便能得出差異。
In the aftermath of Typhoon Noul, downed trees and broken branches were seen in many parks throughout Taiwan, including Barclay Memorial Park in East District of Tainan City. To help clean up their community, local volunteers contacted the East District Supervisor and mobilized to clean up Barclay Memorial Park. To thank the volunteers for their efforts, the East District Supervisor awarded these volunteers with a Certificate of Appreciation.
在紅霞颱風過後，台灣全省各地有許多社區公園，不僅落葉滿地，樹木倒塌的情況也相當嚴重，像台南市東區旁的巴克禮公園，風災過後樹木斷裂嚴重，當地志工主動聯絡里長，志工們不論男女老少共動員了超過60人，群起響應清掃家園行動，志工的熱心幫忙也得到里長贈與感謝狀表達謝忱。
While one could argue this translation does exhibit a linear and therefore logical progression of events, the problem with the above translation is that its ideas don’t seem to work with one another, but instead stand independent of each other. It seems that with every sentence the author is starting over. Each sentence presents an idea, but fails to point the reader to the central idea or theme; in other words, information is being presented, but in a way that is neither efficient, nor focused.
雖然上述的翻譯著實流暢，也合乎事件的邏輯，不過最大的問題在於，段落的主題概念並未能環環相扣，僅只是彼此獨立的句子。每一句話都像是重新開始，作者在每個句子中提出一個想法，但是卻不能向讀者指出核心概念或主軸。換句話說，作者交代了各個資訊，但卻無法在短時間內讓讀者快速的掌握重點。
The translator of the above was asked to redo the paragraph and on rewrite she came up with the below:
我們要求上述文章作者重新進行並改寫段落如下：
In the aftermath of Typhoon Noul, local volunteers in Tainan’s East District took the initiative to help clean up Barclay Memorial Park. In this cleanup effort, more than 60 volunteers, young and old alike, worked together to remove downed trees and broken branches, restoring the park to its original state. Recognizing the volunteers’ efforts, East District Supervisor awarded the volunteers with a Certificate of Appreciation.
在紅霞颱風過後，台灣全省各地有許多社區公園，不僅落葉滿地，樹木倒塌的情況也相當嚴重，像台南市東區旁的巴克禮公園，風災過後樹木斷裂嚴重，當地志工主動聯絡里長，志工們不論男女老少共動員了超過60人，群起響應清掃家園行動，志工的熱心幫忙也得到里長贈與感謝狀表達謝忱。
After the changes, we see the translation has a much better flow and structure to it. Right away the translation zeros in on the main focus of the report—the park in Tainan—and no longer divides the reader’s attention with other tangential information such as “many parks in Taiwan were affected”. Next, with the topic established, the translator goes on the flesh out the details with a description of who was there and what happened. Here the translator has expanded on her original translation of “local volunteers” to “more than 60 volunteers, young and old alike”. I believe the extra information, despite being more wordy, helps bring color to the description and does not detract from the overall flow of the report. Finally, the author finishes with a nice conclusion that describes the results of the volunteers’ actions—while wisely omitting the unnecessary information of how the volunteers got in contact with the east district supervisor.
我們可以看到，修正過後的譯文，句構更加完整也更為流暢。首先，作者將文章焦點集中於「台南市的巴克禮公園」，而且也不再把讀者的注意力分散至其他離題的訊息，如「台灣全省各地有許多社區公園，不僅落葉滿地，樹木倒塌的情況也相當嚴重」。當主題確立後，作者接下來詳述其細節，像是誰在那裡、發生了什麼事。同時又在原本的「當地志工」擴大概念為「志工們不論男女老少共動員了超過60人」。如此一來，即便多了幾個字，卻為整體文章更添生色，也絲毫未損其流暢度。最後，作者做出一個漂亮總結，加以敘述志工的熱心幫忙得到里長贈與感謝狀的美好結果，而有技巧地忽略志工是如何聯繫台南市東區里長的無謂資訊。
Overall, we see that in this version there are no wasted sentences or ideas. Each sentence is connected to the previous one in a clear sequence, with all sentences pointing to the main topic. Therefore the next time you are writing or translating, try to ask yourself:
整體而言，改寫後的版本沒有浪費的句子或想法。每一句都能前後連結，並且與主題相互呼應。因此，如果下次您也想嘗試寫作或翻譯，試試問一問自己：
“What is the point of this sentence/paragraph?”
段落或句子的重點為何？
“Do I really need this information?”
我是否真的需要這些資訊？
“Will this information sharpen or dull my message to my readers?”
當我寫出這些字句時，是讓讀者更明白我所傳達的訊息，還是弄巧成拙地更混亂讀者的思緒？
Questions like this will help ensure that your translation or original work captures your reader’s attention and, just as importantly, keeps him or her reading till the end.
檢視這些問題將幫助您確保翻譯內容能夠適時抓住讀者目光，同時不打斷他們閱讀時的脈絡，如此一來讀者才更能享受閱讀的樂趣，一讀再讀。
As an editor and translator with years of experience in correcting English written by non-native speakers, I have come across certain areas that seem to be major pitfalls for Chinese speakers when writing in English. These mistakes are usually the writer’s Chinese grammar or diction unconsciously coming out in their English exposition, or perhaps simply a unfamiliarity with English composition at its higher levels. This monthly column can teach you to spot these common writing pitfalls and thus avoid having them find their way into your English composition. It will not be a list of grammar rules to follow, but instead a look into how we can improve the style and force of our English writing.
Today’s post is about how non-native English speakers can learn to write in a way that ensures their sentences—and therefore their ideas—flow from one to the next. For ESL writers this means paying attention to the logical progression of their ideas, being clear with the topic of each paragraph, and pruning away unnecessary and confusing information to leave behind a clear, logical sequence of ideas for the reader to enjoy. To get a better understanding what we are talking about, let’s take a look at this example written in Chinese:
本次主題是關於英語非母語人士學習如何寫出能流暢地表達想法的句子，以支撐文章的前後脈絡。這意味著作者的思考邏輯必須明確，對於每個段落的主題都能十足掌握，並適度刪除不必要與令人困惑的資訊，如此一來讀者才能盡情享受閱讀。為了讓各位更加明白本次主題，我們先來檢視以下由華人寫出的例句：
在紅霞颱風過後，台灣全省各地有許多社區公園，不僅落葉滿地，樹木倒塌的情況也相當嚴重，像台南市東區旁的巴克禮公園，風災過後樹木斷裂嚴重，當地志工主動聯絡里長，志工們不論男女老少共動員了超過60人，群起響應清掃家園行動，志工的熱心幫忙也得到里長贈與感謝狀表達謝忱。
Now first let’s be clear: The paragraph works in the language in which it was written by communicating its ideas in a clear, readable fashion; however, if we were to translate the report into English and break it down into its composite parts in the order that they were written, we would get something like this:
首先讓我們聲明一點，上述文章段落在中文的呈現上是清楚且易讀的。然而，如果我們將其翻譯成英文並拆解順序，則很有可能寫出下列句子：
1) Typhoon brings damage to many parks in Taiwan
颱風重創台灣許多公園
2) Typhoon brings damage to Barclay Memorial Park in Tainan
颱風重創台南的巴克禮公園
3) Volunteers contact the local borough head
志工聯絡里長
4) Volunteers clean up park
志工清掃公園
5) Volunteers awarded certificate of appreciation
志工得到感謝狀
Looking at these five parts, one can point out some potential problems such as: repetition of similar ideas/events (1&2), or the inclusion of ideas/events tangent to main topic (1&3). Finally, we discover that the topic of paragraph, its raison d’être, is not clear. Where does the main emphasis of the paragraph lie? Is it damage to parks in Taiwan? Damage to the park in Tainan? The volunteers’ cooperation with the borough?
看看這五個句子，可以指出一些潛在問題，如：重複的概念與事件 (第一與第二句)；或是概念與事件偏離主題太遠 (第一與第三句)；最後，我們還發現段落主題不夠明確。該段所強調的重點為何？是颱風重創台灣許多公園？還是颱風重創台南的巴克禮公園？抑或是志工與當地政府的合作？
Of course, one could argue that since we have only extrapolated the bare-bones meaning of each section of the paragraph, repetition and vagueness are bound to be the result and such problems would invariably be corrected in a more accurate and flowing translation. However, as we see below in this translation by a non-native speaker, this is not the case:
當然，有些人會質疑我們只推斷幾個段落，如此重複又含義不清的翻譯勢必需要更為精準與流暢的修正。然而，讓我們再看看以下由英語非母語人士翻譯出來的句子，便能得出差異。
In the aftermath of Typhoon Noul, downed trees and broken branches were seen in many parks throughout Taiwan, including Barclay Memorial Park in East District of Tainan City. To help clean up their community, local volunteers contacted the East District Supervisor and mobilized to clean up Barclay Memorial Park. To thank the volunteers for their efforts, the East District Supervisor awarded these volunteers with a Certificate of Appreciation.
在紅霞颱風過後，台灣全省各地有許多社區公園，不僅落葉滿地，樹木倒塌的情況也相當嚴重，像台南市東區旁的巴克禮公園，風災過後樹木斷裂嚴重，當地志工主動聯絡里長，志工們不論男女老少共動員了超過60人，群起響應清掃家園行動，志工的熱心幫忙也得到里長贈與感謝狀表達謝忱。
While one could argue this translation does exhibit a linear and therefore logical progression of events, the problem with the above translation is that its ideas don’t seem to work with one another, but instead stand independent of each other. It seems that with every sentence the author is starting over. Each sentence presents an idea, but fails to point the reader to the central idea or theme; in other words, information is being presented, but in a way that is neither efficient, nor focused.
雖然上述的翻譯著實流暢，也合乎事件的邏輯，不過最大的問題在於，段落的主題概念並未能環環相扣，僅只是彼此獨立的句子。每一句話都像是重新開始，作者在每個句子中提出一個想法，但是卻不能向讀者指出核心概念或主軸。換句話說，作者交代了各個資訊，但卻無法在短時間內讓讀者快速的掌握重點。
The translator of the above was asked to redo the paragraph and on rewrite she came up with the below:
我們要求上述文章作者重新進行並改寫段落如下：
In the aftermath of Typhoon Noul, local volunteers in Tainan’s East District took the initiative to help clean up Barclay Memorial Park. In this cleanup effort, more than 60 volunteers, young and old alike, worked together to remove downed trees and broken branches, restoring the park to its original state. Recognizing the volunteers’ efforts, East District Supervisor awarded the volunteers with a Certificate of Appreciation.
在紅霞颱風過後，台灣全省各地有許多社區公園，不僅落葉滿地，樹木倒塌的情況也相當嚴重，像台南市東區旁的巴克禮公園，風災過後樹木斷裂嚴重，當地志工主動聯絡里長，志工們不論男女老少共動員了超過60人，群起響應清掃家園行動，志工的熱心幫忙也得到里長贈與感謝狀表達謝忱。
After the changes, we see the translation has a much better flow and structure to it. Right away the translation zeros in on the main focus of the report—the park in Tainan—and no longer divides the reader’s attention with other tangential information such as “many parks in Taiwan were affected”. Next, with the topic established, the translator goes on the flesh out the details with a description of who was there and what happened. Here the translator has expanded on her original translation of “local volunteers” to “more than 60 volunteers, young and old alike”. I believe the extra information, despite being more wordy, helps bring color to the description and does not detract from the overall flow of the report. Finally, the author finishes with a nice conclusion that describes the results of the volunteers’ actions—while wisely omitting the unnecessary information of how the volunteers got in contact with the east district supervisor.
我們可以看到，修正過後的譯文，句構更加完整也更為流暢。首先，作者將文章焦點集中於「台南市的巴克禮公園」，而且也不再把讀者的注意力分散至其他離題的訊息，如「台灣全省各地有許多社區公園，不僅落葉滿地，樹木倒塌的情況也相當嚴重」。當主題確立後，作者接下來詳述其細節，像是誰在那裡、發生了什麼事。同時又在原本的「當地志工」擴大概念為「志工們不論男女老少共動員了超過60人」。如此一來，即便多了幾個字，卻為整體文章更添生色，也絲毫未損其流暢度。最後，作者做出一個漂亮總結，加以敘述志工的熱心幫忙得到里長贈與感謝狀的美好結果，而有技巧地忽略志工是如何聯繫台南市東區里長的無謂資訊。
Overall, we see that in this version there are no wasted sentences or ideas. Each sentence is connected to the previous one in a clear sequence, with all sentences pointing to the main topic. Therefore the next time you are writing or translating, try to ask yourself:
整體而言，改寫後的版本沒有浪費的句子或想法。每一句都能前後連結，並且與主題相互呼應。因此，如果下次您也想嘗試寫作或翻譯，試試問一問自己：
“What is the point of this sentence/paragraph?”
段落或句子的重點為何？
“Do I really need this information?”
我是否真的需要這些資訊？
“Will this information sharpen or dull my message to my readers?”
當我寫出這些字句時，是讓讀者更明白我所傳達的訊息，還是弄巧成拙地更混亂讀者的思緒？
Questions like this will help ensure that your translation or original work captures your reader’s attention and, just as importantly, keeps him or her reading till the end.
檢視這些問題將幫助您確保翻譯內容能夠適時抓住讀者目光，同時不打斷他們閱讀時的脈絡，如此一來讀者才更能享受閱讀的樂趣，一讀再讀。
