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非英文母語者常見寫作錯誤之一：贅字(Wordiness)
【學術專欄】
身為專業譯者與編輯，多年來為許多英語非母語人士修改與潤飾文章，發覺華人從事英文寫作時常犯的錯誤，在於落入中文的語法陷阱中、或是無意識受到中文影響而使用不該用的措辭，造成詞不達意而無法精確地用英文的句構邏輯連結起來，但也可能僅是對於英文句法結構的不熟悉所致。此次推出的新專欄希望能帶領讀者發現常見的英文寫作陷阱，並避免將這些謬誤帶入文章當中。新專欄並非在教導文法規則，而是提出一些觀點，提點寫作者如何提升英文寫作風格與文字說服力。
As an editor and translator with years of experience in correcting English written by non-native speakers, I have come across certain areas that seem to be major pitfalls for Chinese speakers when writing in English. These mistakes are usually the writer’s Chinese grammar or diction unconsciously coming out in their English exposition, or perhaps simply a unfamiliarity with English composition at its higher levels. This monthly column can teach you to spot these common writing pitfalls and thus avoid having them find their way into your English composition. It will not be a list of grammar rules to follow, but instead a look into how we can improve the style and force of our English writing.
Common writing errors by non-native speakers of English #1: Wordiness
非英文母語者常見寫作錯誤之一：贅字(Wordiness)
Wordiness comes in my forms, but, generally in non-native writers of English, it occurs when they use too many words, belabor a point, or are simply redundant in their writing. Some examples:
就非英文母語人士而言，「贅字」常發生在使用太多的字彙、過度闡述某個論點，抑或寫作時措辭冗長而多餘。我們舉些例子：
1)What is the government planning to do to prevent such a tragedy from happening again in the future?
政府目前有什麼規劃能防止悲劇在未來再次發生？
2)After two months of cleaning, Mary and Joe can finally live in a home that is safe and healthy for their bodies and minds.
經過兩個月徹底清潔後，Mary和 Joe終於可以讓他們的身心靈住得既安全又健康。
3)It is difficult to recognize which twin is which, as the two look extremely alike.
要從雙胞胎中辨別出誰是誰並非易事，因為他們倆個看起來非常相像。
Often a good place to look for redundancy is at the end of a sentence. Do you end your sentences in a way that leaves your reader with a clear, concise image, or are you drowning out your point in excess verbal baggage?
檢視文章句構是否有冗詞贅字，最好的地方在於句末處。當結束句子時，您是簡潔明瞭的作結，還是丟下過多的言詞包袱給讀者呢？
Let’s take a look now at our examples. At first glance, it seems like there is nothing wrong with them. While that may be true grammatically, they all suffer from bloated endings, or wordiness.
讓我們一起來看看上述的例子。乍看之下好像沒有什麼不對勁的地方，或許文法上沒錯，但在句末處卻都面臨到冗赘又囉嗦的寫作錯誤。
Take a moment and see how you would change the sentences…
花點時間，看您如何改變這些句子…
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Welcome back. Let’s now take a look at our first sentence:
歡迎回來。現在就讓我們檢視第一個句子：
What is the government planning to do to prevent such a tragedy from happening again in the future?
政府目前有什麼規劃能防止悲劇在未來再次發生？
Here the obvious wordiness is found in the relationship between the phrases “happening again” and “in the future.” To “happen again” points to a date in the future; thus, we can say that “happening again” already has in it the assumption of an act “in the future.” Therefore we find that if we remove the redundant “in the future”, we get a sentence that is much more concise and vivid in its question to its readers:
這裡很明顯地看出「再次發生」與「在未來」兩詞的贅字情形。「再次發生」意指「在未來」的時間；因此，我們可以說「再次發生」已經是「在未來」的假定事實。所以，如果去掉多餘的「在未來」，我們就能為讀者呈現出更為簡練生動的文字：
What is the government planning to do to prevent such a tragedy from happening again?
政府目前有什麼規劃能防止悲劇在未來再次發生？
Now how about our second example? Again our culprit lies at the end of the sentence with the phrase “bodies and minds.” Here again, “bodies and minds” is best left unstated as readers will be able to fill in the blanks without our obvious and heavy handed prodding. They know that a home described as “safe and healthy” is safe and healthy with regard to the bodies and minds of those living within. Once again, the sentence can be strengthened by eliminating the final phrase:
那麼第二個例子呢？罪魁禍首一樣是句末的「身心靈」。「身心靈」最好留給讀者體會與想像的空間，而非刻意再次強調。讀者知道把家裡形容為「安全又健康」，必定是「身心靈」都能「安全又健康」。再一次證明，文章句構能透過消除句末贅字而呈現精簡又雋永的文字美感。
After two months of cleaning, Mary and Joe can finally live in a home that is safe and healthy.
經過兩個月澈底清潔後，Mary和 Joe終於可以讓他們的身心靈住得既安全又健康。
Finally, we come to our last sentence. I believe that by now readers can guess where the problem is and how to fix it. So I’ll leave this one to you.
最後，我們來到最後一句話。我相信您們現在都能猜到問題所在以及該如何解決。因此，就讓我將這句留給您修改吧！
As an editor and translator with years of experience in correcting English written by non-native speakers, I have come across certain areas that seem to be major pitfalls for Chinese speakers when writing in English. These mistakes are usually the writer’s Chinese grammar or diction unconsciously coming out in their English exposition, or perhaps simply a unfamiliarity with English composition at its higher levels. This monthly column can teach you to spot these common writing pitfalls and thus avoid having them find their way into your English composition. It will not be a list of grammar rules to follow, but instead a look into how we can improve the style and force of our English writing.
Common writing errors by non-native speakers of English #1: Wordiness
非英文母語者常見寫作錯誤之一：贅字(Wordiness)
Wordiness comes in my forms, but, generally in non-native writers of English, it occurs when they use too many words, belabor a point, or are simply redundant in their writing. Some examples:
就非英文母語人士而言，「贅字」常發生在使用太多的字彙、過度闡述某個論點，抑或寫作時措辭冗長而多餘。我們舉些例子：
1)What is the government planning to do to prevent such a tragedy from happening again in the future?
政府目前有什麼規劃能防止悲劇在未來再次發生？
2)After two months of cleaning, Mary and Joe can finally live in a home that is safe and healthy for their bodies and minds.
經過兩個月徹底清潔後，Mary和 Joe終於可以讓他們的身心靈住得既安全又健康。
3)It is difficult to recognize which twin is which, as the two look extremely alike.
要從雙胞胎中辨別出誰是誰並非易事，因為他們倆個看起來非常相像。
Often a good place to look for redundancy is at the end of a sentence. Do you end your sentences in a way that leaves your reader with a clear, concise image, or are you drowning out your point in excess verbal baggage?
檢視文章句構是否有冗詞贅字，最好的地方在於句末處。當結束句子時，您是簡潔明瞭的作結，還是丟下過多的言詞包袱給讀者呢？
Let’s take a look now at our examples. At first glance, it seems like there is nothing wrong with them. While that may be true grammatically, they all suffer from bloated endings, or wordiness.
讓我們一起來看看上述的例子。乍看之下好像沒有什麼不對勁的地方，或許文法上沒錯，但在句末處卻都面臨到冗赘又囉嗦的寫作錯誤。
Take a moment and see how you would change the sentences…
花點時間，看您如何改變這些句子…
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Welcome back. Let’s now take a look at our first sentence:
歡迎回來。現在就讓我們檢視第一個句子：
What is the government planning to do to prevent such a tragedy from happening again in the future?
政府目前有什麼規劃能防止悲劇在未來再次發生？
Here the obvious wordiness is found in the relationship between the phrases “happening again” and “in the future.” To “happen again” points to a date in the future; thus, we can say that “happening again” already has in it the assumption of an act “in the future.” Therefore we find that if we remove the redundant “in the future”, we get a sentence that is much more concise and vivid in its question to its readers:
這裡很明顯地看出「再次發生」與「在未來」兩詞的贅字情形。「再次發生」意指「在未來」的時間；因此，我們可以說「再次發生」已經是「在未來」的假定事實。所以，如果去掉多餘的「在未來」，我們就能為讀者呈現出更為簡練生動的文字：
What is the government planning to do to prevent such a tragedy from happening again?
政府目前有什麼規劃能防止悲劇
Now how about our second example? Again our culprit lies at the end of the sentence with the phrase “bodies and minds.” Here again, “bodies and minds” is best left unstated as readers will be able to fill in the blanks without our obvious and heavy handed prodding. They know that a home described as “safe and healthy” is safe and healthy with regard to the bodies and minds of those living within. Once again, the sentence can be strengthened by eliminating the final phrase:
那麼第二個例子呢？罪魁禍首一樣是句末的「身心靈」。「身心靈」最好留給讀者體會與想像的空間，而非刻意再次強調。讀者知道把家裡形容為「安全又健康」，必定是「身心靈」都能「安全又健康」。再一次證明，文章句構能透過消除句末贅字而呈現精簡又雋永的文字美感。
After two months of cleaning, Mary and Joe can finally live in a home that is safe and healthy.
經過兩個月澈底清潔後，Mary和 Joe終於可以
Finally, we come to our last sentence. I believe that by now readers can guess where the problem is and how to fix it. So I’ll leave this one to you.
最後，我們來到最後一句話。我相信您們現在都能猜到問題所在以及該如何解決。因此，就讓我將這句留給您修改吧！
